The History of Kettering

An Alphabetical Tour of The Vauxhall Conference.

No14 Kettering

Christ. Where to start? Fucking Klattering, the dirtiest, most cynical, biggest bunch of divers and cheats to (dis)grace a football field since Accrington Fucking Stanley. Actually, Accrington were worse – but they had an excuse, being a bunch of fucking pig ignorant Northerners from the crappiest shithole in the country. Kettering, on the other hand, is a nothing town, slap in the middle of the last county you’d remember to list if you were asked to write down all the counties of England. So why are they so universally reviled?

Klattering Town were originally formed in 1872 and played their first game against Irthlingborough Spades, a scratch team of newly arrived immigrants, loosing 14-0. They turned professional in 1891. The club graduated through twelve different leagues from 1892 until they became founding members of the Vauxhall Conference in 1979 and maintained its status until the 2000–01 season. The clubs nickname is “The Ploppies” which is a reference to the shit on and off the pitch. In the 1970s, Klattering were managed by radicalist “Big” Ron “Early Doors” Atkinson, which is probably why York were re-elected to the League in 1974 with Klattering coming five votes short of election.

Klattering currently play at Rockingham Road. The ground doubles up as a speedway track, which explains the shit state of the pitch and probably why the dirty fuckers have, shall we say, a prosaic approach to the game. One thing that is not generally known about Rockingham Road is that the away end is a Grade One Listed Building. Built of the finest Italian marble in 1823, the away end affords some of the finest views in Non League. Indeed, should you actually wish to face the pitch there’s a slight chance a game of football will break out. That said, the Neo-mock-Georgian / Greek-style toilets and tea hutch at the away end leaves an indelible, never-to-be-forgotten mark on the casual visitor and it is to English Heritage’s credit that Klattering now have to maintain this fine example of early English terrace in its current condition.

In a Southern League game against Bath City on 24 January 1976, Kettering became the first British club to play with a sponsor’s name printed on their shirts after signing a deal with local firm Kettering Tyres. The deal was brokered by chief executive and manager Derek “Wade” Dooley. Four days later, The Football Association ordered the club to remove the slogan, but Dooley changed the words on the shirts to “Kettering T”, and claimed that the T stood for “Twats”. Nonetheless, the FA ordered the club to remove the words, as they were deeply offensive. Kettering then tried to swing the letters “KKK” past the FA, but even they weren’t going to fall for that. Klattering also have their initials on their ground’s floodlights, which is, to be fair, fucking sad.

In recent times, series 2005–06 was to be one of massive change at Rockingham Road. In October 2005 it was announced that long-serving chairman Peter Malingerer was to hand over the reins to a consortium consisting of Imran Khan, B Leach and England pisshead Paul Gascoigne, with Gascoigne installed as manager in place of Kevin Bloody Wilson. The eyes of the world were on Gascoigne and the Ploppies, and media interest was half hearted. However, for a variety of reasons, nearly all – no, actually, all, drink related, Gascoigne was only to remain in the job for thirty-nine days. Kevin Bloody Wilson was given his old job back, but only held onto it for two months. There then followed a cavalcade of short term managers as Imran Khan wielded the axe nearly as effectively as he’d wielded the willow in his Sussex days. Managers included Morell Maison (who?) and then Chipmunk Westley was brought in but left after a play-off defeat to Farsley Celtic at the Bescot Stadium, Walsall. Next up was Henry Cooper who got Tamworth promoted to the Vauxhall Conference followed by Gerald Harper who was sacked at half time during a Cup game at Elland Road. Klattering are currently mid-table in the Vauxhall Conference, not good enough to join Rushden and Diamonds in a push for the play-offs – yet not crap enough to be worried about finishing below Forrest Green. The current manager is Kendo Nagasaki; he is assisted by Mick McManus.

So. There you have it. Kettering. No-one likes them, and it wounds them deeply.

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