The History of Luton Town

An Alphabetical Tour of The Vauxhall Conference.

No16 Luton Town

“Were you trully wafted here from Paradise?”
“Nah. Luton Airport”

And with those words, at 8pm on ITV, the small unremarkable town of Luton became famous beyond Luton.

Luton is the fourth largest town in Bedfordshire, after Dunstable, Biggleswade and Sandy. It is well known for hat-making, the Vauxhall car plant and mop making. Indeed, the Vauxhall Conference’s sponsorship deal with Vauxhall is as a direct result of the town’s football team’s long term membership of the Vauxhall Conference. The word “Luton” is also a term which refers to a “Luton” body. This is a large unstable non wind resistant fibre glass box nailed onto a Ford Transit chassis. The result is an unbelievably slow van which is unable to break 50mph and yet is like driving a yacht in a Force 9 gale. They are, however, extremely popular with students shifting their worthless possessions from Reading to some godforsaken shithole in the West Country with a red brick former Polytechnic. Luton, as mentioned above, has an airport and in this joins fellow Vauxhall Conference clubs Hayes and Harlington, Crawley and Altringham in having an airport handy for the long distance away trips to Fleetwood and Eastbourne. Back in the 1970s, in order for the airport to gain recognition outside of Dunstable, Luton Town Council paid for the advert in which the then unknown Joan Collins and John Inman starred. Collins, of course, went on to star in several other adverts, notably for Campari. Luton Town Council also paid for four of its dustmen to release a novelty record under the group name “Cats UK” called “Luton Airport”, in which the chorus line memorably went “Luton Airport ooo-eee-ooo”. The song reached No24 in the UK Charts. Luton’s airport ranks seventh in UK airports, just behind Stornoway.

Luton Town Football Club was formed on 11 April 1885, after a merger of Luton Town Wanderers and Excelsior. Initially known as Luton Town Excelsior and Redbridge FC the club played at Excelsior’s Dallow Lane ground, the first game a 14-0 defeat at the hands of Dunstable Hornets. The Dallow Lane ground was next to the Dunstable to Luton train line, and games were regularly abandoned when the match balls ended up on the tracks. The cost of hundreds of lost match balls led to damaging financial losses (the first of many – Vauxhall Conference club, see, thus financial basket case) and during 1896–97 Luton were forced to sell the stadium to stay afloat. As a result the club moved across the tracks to a stadium between the railway and Dunstable Road, but the lost balls issue remained. When the site was sold for housing in 1905, the club was forced to move again at short notice to a temporary ground at Kennelworth Road in time for the start of the 1905–06 season.

Luton Town still play at Kennelworth Road. The 10,226 capacity all-seater stadium is in the Bury Park area of Luton, and named after the road that runs along one end of it, although the official address of the club is 1 Miss Marple Road. Opposite the eponymous Kennelworth Stand is the Oak Road End, once favoured by Luton supporters but now for away fans only, provided they bring enough. Obviously, for most Conference games, the stand remains closed. The Main Stand is flanked by the David Preece Stand, and opposite them stands a row of executive conservatories. These shitboxes replaced the Robbers Stand in 1986, as the club sought to scalp their supporters. Poetic, really.

In 1985 the grass pitch was replaced with an astroturf playing surface as the club tried to increase income by offering the pitch as a car parking solution for the nearby airport. However the players quickly grew tired of having to beat three Sierras and an Escort as well as the opposition back four for a goal and the scheme was abandoned.

Luton’s supporters have long been known as serious troublemakers. In the footsteps of West Hams ICF or York’s Jorvik Army, Luton’s Mopheads have caused trouble at grounds up and down the country for years. A serious incident during a match against Millwall in 1985 caused the club’s then chairman, Conservative MP David “Good” Evans, to introduce a scheme banning all visiting supporters from the ground, and requiring home fans to carry identity cards when attending matches. Naturally, this went well and away fans were allowed back into the ground in 1990. However, away fans now have to enter the ground via Mrs Patel’s at No97 where they are secretly filmed by Bedfordshire’s finest. Trouble flared again at last season’s Play-Off semi-final second leg against York when the nation was treated live on TV to York’s players cowering at the back of the away stand as a barrage of mops were hurled in their general direction. Fortunately for York’s players and supporters the Luton fans’ aim was about as accurate as a Monty Panesar delivery with a wet ball.

Ever since first moving to their temporary home, Luton have made several attempts to relocate. Kennelworth Road is tiny compared to rival stadia across the border in Hertfordshire and the ground’s location squeezed between Mrs Patel’s and Mrs Qasir’s rules out significant redevelopment. A move to Milton Keynes was proposed, but Luton were beaten to that attractive proposition by the nomadic Wimbledon FC. Frustratingly for Luton, the newly named MK Dons have gone on to far more success since their move while Luton have mouldered in the Vauxhall Conference. A planning application for a new ground, the Gestdome proposed by chairman David Gest in 1995, was turned down following a successful appeal by the Chairman of nearby Watford FC that building a better home for Luton was “not in the interests of the area” and Gest left soon after. Most recently, in 2007, the club’s owners proposed a controversial plan to relocate to a site near Harlington. However Luton were once again beaten to the punch by Hayes, who became Hayes and Harlington. As of now, the club is undertaking an independent feasibility study to determine a viable location to move to. Anywhere will do. Just not in fucking Luton, obviously.

The club’s nickname, the “Hatters”, reflects the town’s historical connection with the hat making trade, which has been prominent in Luton since the 20th century. There is a straw boater on the town’s coat of arms, although that is less to do with millinery than the fact that the St Trinian’s films were filmed in nearby Elstree in the 1950s. Previous nicknames have traded heavily on the town’s traditional industries. Names have included “The Chevettes”, “The Vivas”, “The Crestas”, the rather odd and awkward “King Henrys” and “The Zephyrs”.

The club is strongly associated with two very different colour schemes. For most of its history, Luton players have worn white shirts, black shorts, and either white or black socks. In 1973, Luton changed to orange and navy, a completely new colour scheme, to take advantage of the new colour television coverage. Unfortunately for Luton, not only were they too shit to feature, but if they had, a mixture of lurid orange and blue would have had the viewers reaching for the off button. Six years later Luton returned to playing in white and were finally shown live on ITV between the adverts losing 4-0 to Watford. In the Summer of 2008 a poll of fans was taken, and a decision was made to change the club colours to yellow black and red. The club quickly changed colours yet again in 2009, introducing a scheme of tangerine shirts, white shorts and tangerine socks.

Luton Town was a founder member of the Southern Football League in 1894, and, after finishing as runners-up in its first two seasons, the team left to join The Football League for 1897–98. Poor attendances and high wages crippled the club financially again and Luton were booted out of the Football League, rejoining the Southern League in 1900. There they stayed until 1921 when an expansion of the Football league saw Luton allowed back in. Luton stayed in the Third Division South until 1937, when the team finished top and won promotion to the Second Division. During the early 1950s, one of Luton’s greatest sides emerged. This team reached the top flight for the first time in 1956. Success followed, including an FA Cup Final appearance in 1959. Ironically, the winning goal for Notts County was scored by future Watford Chairman Reg Dwight, thus starting a rivalry that lasted until 1983. Luton, though, remain the only Vauxhall Conference club to have played in an FA Cup Final. However, the club was relegated the following season, and, by 1965, was playing in the Fourth Division with all the dross, thus setting a precedent for multiple consecutive relegations.

Luton won the Fourth Division in1968. Two years later they went up again. Comedian Ernie Wise, looking for some cheap laughs, became a director of the club in return for being allowed to take the piss out of them on the telly and Luton Town won promotion back to the First Division in 1974. However they were relegated the following season by Easter. Former player David “Kerby” Pleat was made manager in 1978, and by 1982–83 the team was back in the top flight. On the last day of the club’s first season back in the top tier, the side famously narrowly escaped relegation: playing Manchester City at Maine Road, Luton needed to win to stay up, while City could escape with a draw. A late winner by Yugoslav Raddy Ator saved the team and prompted Pleat to dance across the pitch performing the “jig of joy” which he would later be arrested for. The club achieved its highest ever league position, seventh, in 1987, and won the League Cup a year later with a 3–2 win over Arsenal. With ten minutes left on the clock and Arsenal 2–1 ahead, a penalty save from stand-in goalkeeper Andy “PC” Dibble sparked a late Luton rally: Danny “Mary’s Prayer” Wilson equalised, before Brian Epstein scored the winner with the last kick of the match. The club reached the League Cup Final once more in 1989, but lost 3–1 to Nottingham Forest.

In 1991 the FA announced its Shiny New Premiership for the following year, a competition for the big city clubs with lots of money. Sadly clubs of the ilk of Luton with their shitty little temporary stadium weren’t invited and a series of strange refereeing decisions ensured that the club were relegated from the top division at the end of the 1991–92 season. Luton sank to the third tier four years later and were relegated again in 2001. Under the management of Roy Kinnear, who had arrived halfway through the previous season the team won promotion from the fourth tier in 2002. Kinnear left to resume his film career and was replaced by Adrian Newey. However, the club was in financial shit yet again and entered administration. Despite this, Luton finished as champions of the third-tier Football League One in 2005. The team was then relegated twice in a row in 2006 and 2007 and spent the latter part of the 2007–08 season back in administration, thus incurring a fully justified ten-point deduction from that season’s total. The club then had an utterly justified total of 30 points docked from its 2008–09 total by The FA and The Football League for being the most serious financial fuck-up since Aldershot in 1992. These deductions proved fatal and Luton comfortably negotiated the U Bend at the foot of the Football League and dropped into the Vauxhall Conference. Luton are the third team after Carlisle and Oxford to play in all 5 top divisions in the country.

Since their arrival in the Vauxhall Conference, Luton have settled in nicely and, like York and Cambridge, seem that they’re here for the long haul. Initially expecting to piss this tinpot league, they were comfortably beaten to the title in 2010 by Stevenage Borough and then failed to negotiate the Play-Offs, comfortably seen off by York. This season looks like being a repeat of last season as Crawley are pissing the league while Luton, who’ve signed most of last seasons’ relegation threatened Cambridge squad, are scrapping for the Play Off places with Grimsby, Fleetwood, Newport, Wimbledon, Kidderminster and about half a dozen other clubs.

Luton Town is well supported in comparison to other clubs in the Vauxhall Conference. However, in the early 80s, average attendances at Kennelworth Road fell with the installation of seats, although luckily the Millwall support removed those in 1985 and attendances went up again. However since plummeting from the first Premiership in 1992 to the Vauxhall Conference attendances have dropped by 98%. The club has two major supporters’ groups – the official Luton Town Supporters Club and the breakaway Loyal Luton Supporters Club. Splitters.

Luton Town’s traditional rivalry was with Hertfordshire-based Watford. However with four divisions between them, they’ll never meet again unless Luton reach the Third Round of the FA Cup and get lucky with the draw. More recently Luton formed a rivalry with Bedfordshire based Stevenage Borough and Bucks based MK Dons, except that they too have both moved out of reach and will probably never play Luton again. Currently, Luton are hoping that either Arlesley Town or Biggleswade United can get promoted out of the Ryman Pub League into the Vauxhall Conference.

So. There you have it. Luton. Another basket case, except with mops.
Next: Mansfield

*Since the writing of this article, Luton sacked Dickie Dosh and replaced him with that scouse cunt that was once at Cambridge United. Progressive.