An Alphabetical Tour of The Vauxhall Conference.
No19 Rushden and Diamonds
A man sits on a bench at the side of a non descript road in a featureless area of the country. A sign 100 yards further up the road reads “Welcome to Irthlingborough, twinned with nowhere”. The man is sitting still, not moving, not reading the discarded “Sun” next to him on the bench. A Jack Russell lies at his feet, occasionally looking up at his master, as if to say “Now, look here – if you can’t be arsed to take me on my walk, let’s just fuck off home”
A car approaches, slows slightly at the road sign and then gradually pulls to a halt opposite the seated man.
Driver: “’Scuse me Guv, looking for Rushden and Diamonds FC”
Man: “Never heard of them”
Driver: “You sure? What’s that stadium up ahead for?”
Man: “That’s Kettering’s ground. It was built for them by some actor chappy who’s a supporter. Made a mint playing some Cornish doctor on ITV. Doc something or other. Anyhow, he built the ground. For Kettering.”
Driver: “So where do Rushden and Diamonds play then?”
Man: No fucking idea. Rushden’s a few miles down the road, but I thought the club there was called Rushden Albion or somesuch. You might ask down there”
Driver: “Thanks for your help”
And the car moves slowly off, driving past the shiny new stadium with the words “Kettering Town FC” in 20 foot high letters on the outside.
The man sits back on the bench and the dog puts it’s head between its paws. It’s going to be a long day.
