No19  Rushden and Diamonds

A man sits on a bench at the side of a non descript road in a featureless area of the country.  A sign 100 yards further up the road reads “Welcome to Irthlingborough, twinned with nowhere”.  The man is sitting still, not moving, not reading the discarded “Sun” next to him on the bench.  A Jack Russell lies at his feet, occasionally looking up at his master, as if to say “Now, look here – if you can’t be arsed to take me on my walk, let’s just fuck off home”

A car approaches, slows slightly at the road sign and then gradually pulls to a halt opposite the seated man.

Driver:  “’Scuse me Guv, looking for Rushden and Diamonds FC”

Man:  “Never heard of them”

Driver:  “You sure?  What’s that stadium up ahead for?”

Man:  “That’s Kettering’s ground.  It was built for them by some actor chappy who’s a supporter.  Made a mint playing some Cornish doctor on ITV.  Doc something or other.  Anyhow, he built the ground.  For Kettering.”

Driver:  “So where do Rushden and Diamonds play then?”

Man:  No fucking idea.  Rushden’s a few miles down the road, but I thought the club there was called Rushden Albion or somesuch.  You might ask down there”

Driver:  “Thanks for your help”

And the car moves slowly off, driving past the shiny new stadium with the words “Kettering Town FC” in 20 foot high letters on the outside.

The man sits back on the bench and the dog puts it’s head between its paws.  It’s going to be a long day.

No18 Newport County

There’s a quiz question that is often used around pubs and clubs which is to ask what the five cities in Wales are. The answer, for those of you interested in such things is Cardiff, Swansea, St David’s, Bangor and Rhyl. There’s another, older, quiz question which one was asked what the four Football League clubs in Wales were, to which the traditional answer was Wrexham, Swansea, Cardiff and Chester. The quiz question was ruined in 1972 when Hereffordd were elected to the FL from the League of Wales and then with the advent of promotion to and from the league, such questions became difficult to check, especially when clubs like Merthyr looked like getting into the League and clubs like Wrexham inexplicably fell out of it. There had been other football teams from Wales, like Aberdare Athletic, in the olden days and from time to time a Welsh team would win the FAW Cup if Kiddy or Walsall couldn’t be arsed with it and go on a “European Cup Winners’ Cup run. Legend tells of teams that played against crack East German binocular factory workers’ teams or Bulgarian Knitting Circle teams in European preliminary qualifiers, but details are sketchy, it was a long time ago and the only photographs are in black and white. The main question arising from this, of course, is why East European football teams in 1960s and 1970s boys’ comics were always described as “crack”. You know the sort of thing – Roy Race describing Melchester’s upcoming opponents in the European Cup, FC Doppelganger, as a crack East German outfit. I suppose it makes a difference when you’re from Cambridge and are used to seeing your side described as “crap”.

But what, I hear you ask, has this to do with Newport County?

Newport is the capital and most important city in Rhode Island. Founded in 1639, it is known as the sailing capital of the world. Newport is most famous for Cows Week, where, research reveals, there is some kind of boat race around the Island in boats crewed by people dressed up as pantomime cows. Obviously this is done in order to level the playing field so that people like Douglas MacArthur and Francis Chichester don’t win every year. Newport also has a football team and is one of two clubs playing in the top five divisions to play on an island. Newport was also the setting for the Hollywood films “Me Myself and Irene”, “Blade Runner” and “Confessions of a Window Cleaner”

Newport County FC were founded in 1990 and were originally called Moreton In The (Rodney) Marsh Rangers. This is because they started life as a franchise operation in the Cotswold village of Bourton On The Water. Initially starting in the Hellenic league, their first game was a 14-0 defeat at the hands of (then) local rivals Nailsworth United although things soon improved. Rangers’s name and location was a bit of a mouthful and anyone attempting the “Give Us an “M”” chant was immediately expelled from the ground for life which left them with just two supporters – Old Isaiah and his sheepdog, Jess. At this point in their history, Rangers were one of a select few clubs with brackets in their name, although this would soon change. Rangers won the Hellenic League in their inaugural season and were then admitted to the League of Wales structure after completing a move from Bourton to the English fishing village of Casnewydd, renaming themselves Casnewydd In The (Mardy) Fish United. However, certain people objected to an essentially English based English franchise club in the LoW set up (Despite its name, Casnewydd is actually in England) and after two years the club was forced to leave the village after Welsh separatists burned the ground down. Graffiti left on the bog walls at the smouldering ground read “Ffestiniogg” which be Welsh for “Bugger off”. So the club moved again, this time to Cirencester and changed its name again to the Gloucester Gladiators. The newly christened “Triplanes” joined the English Southern Pub League. However, just two years later the club moved again, this time to the Isle of Wight and were renamed (yet again) Newport County and changed their colours to yellow and blue, traditionally the most unsuccessful combination of football colours. Since then they have settled in at their tidy little St Georges Park ground and made steady progress up the pyramid culminating in last season’s beasting of the Vauxhall Conference South where they finished 48 points ahead of second placed FC Douvres and beat every other club in the division by 4 clear goals or more. Newport’s first ever season in the Vauxhall Conference has been a success, despite firing manager David Holdsworth, with the club finding mid-table respectability.

Having had a largely nomadic existence around the lower leagues until now, no-one remotely famous has ever been associated with the club although Ted Heath was know to cheer on “The Port” whenever he was sailing around the island.

So. There you have it. Newport. Nomadic but not in the least bit Welch.

Next: Rushden

Having been asked to write this piece a while ago through a friend, I’ve finally got round to it, and hopefully by the end of this short piece those so called Stevenage “Supporters” (said in the loosest term possible) may just realise what crap the hardy Stanley supporter has had to put up with over the last few seasons.

Make no mistake, I cant defend our financial or off the field problems. We have struggled for years, for a number of reasons, and if League Status’s were based on finances and crowd numbers we would be firmly near the bottom of the Conference. Our average gate has been under 2000 ever since we returned to the football league in 2006. Why is this you may ask??? After all during the Conference winning season attendances regularly topped the 2500-3000 mark, not bad for a club of our size. Obviously any team across the country, no matter what division they are in will attract more supporters if they are top of the table, and for us thats what happened. However after being promoted to the football league attendances dropped…. why, I have no idea….. but I have a theory.

For anybody that has been to our ground, you will know what an absolute shithole it is, I cant do anything about it, I just have to put up with it every other weekend. Having being promoted to the football league our former asshole of a chairman Eric Whalley decided to rebuild it, but having finished 2 sides decided not to bothar with the others and left us with a iron clad cow shed from the 1960′s on 1 side and a shitty open terrace for the away fans on the other. I cant defend it, its a dump. However speak to the majority of away fans that visit us, and they will tell you how friendly we are, especially before the game in our Crown Pub next to the ground. We frequently have fans of other clubs coming to watch and support us, as they have such a laugh. The price to get in is £13 to stand or £15 to sit…… Relatively cheap in terms of League 2 prices (Gillingham £23 sticks in my mind)…… however for the facilities you are paying to use, they are nothing short of a disgrace, its simply too expensive. I have ALOT of sympathy with away fans!! Hopefully now we have a new chairman we can get on with the process of building the new ground. Dont get me wrong on the pitch we can be brilliant to watch, especially this season, but its everything else that has surrounded the club in the last few years that leaves alot to be desired.

Alas our ex chairman/ owner Eric Whalley was and is a complete fucking wanker. HE along with his right hand men Dave “Wanker” O Neill and Chief Executive Robert “Bullshit” Heys have brought shame on this club and need booting out of the fucking country. Think Reynolds at Darlington, Haslam at Mansfield, Turner at Herford and combine them all, then you might have a picture of how bad it has been at our club. I have respect for what Whalley did in the early days when he put a few quid in, during the Unibond League, however the shit he has come out with in the last few years has been nothing short of a joke. How about gambling the clubs money in a betting shop??? And people wonder why we used to be skint all the time. !!! He showed what an absolute tin pot club we are with that joke of a TV documentary, thankfully he has now left the club for good, and make no mistake he will get bottled out of the ground if he ever decides to return.

Im not trying to pull wool over anybody’s eyes and I totally agree we have been an absolute shambles off the field for a number of years. However given our achievements ON the pitch this season, along with the fact we have FINALLY been taken over by our saviour Ilyas Khan we can finally start looking forward. A new ground hopefully is imminent along with a new board of directors and fingers crossed we can start re-building some bridges we have burnt over the last few seasons, especially with the local community. Surely us fans and players dont deserve all of the abuse that we recieve from ONLY Stevenage fans. ??? Even our local derbies against Morecambe & Bury are nothing on the crap we have recieved from down there this season. Yes there’s banter, but nothing on the level I have read and heard this season.I agree every club has a small group of idiot supporters… we have a few who I agree get abit carried away on occasions. However they dont want to fight, all they want to do is support their team louder and longer than anybody else in this division.

I would also like to point out that on no other forum across League 2 have I read such utter bullshit than the people that talk on Boro Chat. I really couldent believe my eyes the other week when a number of people where calling for Westley’s head, Are they for real?!!? Whether its a few internet cowboys who attend 5 games a season I dont know, but make no mistake you are carving a VERY poor reputation for yourselves across League 2 forums.

So to sum it up……

Off The Pitch = I agree, we have been a shambles.

On It = Even those so called football fans on Boro Chat MUST admit we have achieved the impossible this season.????

At the end of the day we are all in League 2 together (for now), we dont pay £1000 for a season ticket to watch players earning £150k a week diving about. We Watch proper football, with proper players and proper sets of hardcore supporters !!!

PEACE

No17 Mansfield Town

The question is, “What the fuck are Mansfield doing in the Vauxhall Conference?”

You see, Mansfield were never one of the typical Football League U-Bend Cloggee Clubs of yore, like Rochdale or Hartlepool. Mansfield seemed to exist quite happily alternating between the third and fourth tiers of the Football League without ever really threatening to get into the second tier*, or having to face the bum-clenching embarrassment of having to apply for re-election. Sort of like Bury or Scunthorpe. So how did this nice friendly little Derbyshire club find itself jettisoned from the League and down among the dead men of ex Football League clubs and parvenu scratter clubs of the Vauxhall Conference?

*Yes. I know that in 1977 they accidentally got promoted to the old Second Division, but amends were made 12 months later and they were back in Division Three double quick.

Mansfield Town was founded in 1897 under the name of Mansfield Wesleyans. Based in a disused church, the team’s first game was a 14-0 defeat to the Crooked Spire, a pub team from Chesterfield. The club changed its name to the present Mansfield Town in 1910, by which time they had moved to their current ground of Field Mill. Mansfield won election to the Football League in time for the 1931–32 season, replacing the defunct Wigan Borough. And from 1932 until 2008 Mansfield did precisely fuck all, spending a few seasons in the Third Division and then a few seasons in the Fourth and back again*. Throw one FL tinpot competition win on penalties and one solitary win over West Ham into the mix and there you have it. Fuck me, even Alfreton have more to boast about. Mansfield, along with Farnborough Town and Oxford United, are living proof that teams that play in yellow and blue win fuck all. Actually, that’s true. Shrewsbury and Cambridge also play in yellow and blue and they’ve both won fuck all as well. To be winners, teams should ideally play in red and white (with a bit of black, ideally) – a truism not lost on the Chipmunk when he was in charge at the San Cheerio. Now, where were we? Ah, yes. Mansfield. Yellow and blue!! Ha ha!!

The team’s home ground is Field Mill, which holds 10,000 seated spectators. In 1995 the club considered building a new stadium in the town, but opted to re-develop their existing ground instead. The re-developed ground consists of three new stands, whilst an old, now condemned, wooden stand is awaiting collection prior to delivery to an address in Oxford.

Since arrived somewhat unexpectedly in the Vauxhall Conference, Mansfield have somewhat reverted to type by settling in nicely and neither threatening the Play Off places or worrying Peaky by finishing below FGR. In fact, the only noteworthy or newsworthy event ever to happen to Mansfield was in 2008 when it was reported that John Batchelor, a bidder for Mansfield Town, planned to rename the club “Harchester United” after the fictional TV series Dream Team to make the club “more promotable” if his bid were a success. Fans and executives within the club both stated that they thought it was a “cracking idea Gromit”, but nothing came of it.

During the mid-1980s, Mansfield became unpopular with fans of Rotherham United, Barnsley and Cardiff City. Fans of these clubs referred to Mansfield as Scabs, a play on the club’s nickname of Stags. No-one knows the reason, and no-one cares either. Mansfield’s local derby match is against Chesterfield. A Derby derby, if you will. Which is odd, because down here in Vauxhall Conferenceland one would expect Chesterfield’s derby match to be against Chester. Except it isn’t. It’s against Mansfield.

So. There you have it. Mansfield. Scabs, according to Cardiff.

Next: Newport

No16 Luton Town

“Were you trully wafted here from Paradise?”
“Nah. Luton Airport”

And with those words, at 8pm on ITV, the small unremarkable town of Luton became famous beyond Luton.

Luton is the fourth largest town in Bedfordshire, after Dunstable, Biggleswade and Sandy. It is well known for hat-making, the Vauxhall car plant and mop making. Indeed, the Vauxhall Conference’s sponsorship deal with Vauxhall is as a direct result of the town’s football team’s long term membership of the Vauxhall Conference. The word “Luton” is also a term which refers to a “Luton” body. This is a large unstable non wind resistant fibre glass box nailed onto a Ford Transit chassis. The result is an unbelievably slow van which is unable to break 50mph and yet is like driving a yacht in a Force 9 gale. They are, however, extremely popular with students shifting their worthless possessions from Reading to some godforsaken shithole in the West Country with a red brick former Polytechnic. Luton, as mentioned above, has an airport and in this joins fellow Vauxhall Conference clubs Hayes and Harlington, Crawley and Altringham in having an airport handy for the long distance away trips to Fleetwood and Eastbourne. Back in the 1970s, in order for the airport to gain recognition outside of Dunstable, Luton Town Council paid for the advert in which the then unknown Joan Collins and John Inman starred. Collins, of course, went on to star in several other adverts, notably for Campari. Luton Town Council also paid for four of its dustmen to release a novelty record under the group name “Cats UK” called “Luton Airport”, in which the chorus line memorably went “Luton Airport ooo-eee-ooo”. The song reached No24 in the UK Charts. Luton’s airport ranks seventh in UK airports, just behind Stornoway.

Luton Town Football Club was formed on 11 April 1885, after a merger of Luton Town Wanderers and Excelsior. Initially known as Luton Town Excelsior and Redbridge FC the club played at Excelsior’s Dallow Lane ground, the first game a 14-0 defeat at the hands of Dunstable Hornets. The Dallow Lane ground was next to the Dunstable to Luton train line, and games were regularly abandoned when the match balls ended up on the tracks. The cost of hundreds of lost match balls led to damaging financial losses (the first of many – Vauxhall Conference club, see, thus financial basket case) and during 1896–97 Luton were forced to sell the stadium to stay afloat. As a result the club moved across the tracks to a stadium between the railway and Dunstable Road, but the lost balls issue remained. When the site was sold for housing in 1905, the club was forced to move again at short notice to a temporary ground at Kennelworth Road in time for the start of the 1905–06 season.

Luton Town still play at Kennelworth Road. The 10,226 capacity all-seater stadium is in the Bury Park area of Luton, and named after the road that runs along one end of it, although the official address of the club is 1 Miss Marple Road. Opposite the eponymous Kennelworth Stand is the Oak Road End, once favoured by Luton supporters but now for away fans only, provided they bring enough. Obviously, for most Conference games, the stand remains closed. The Main Stand is flanked by the David Preece Stand, and opposite them stands a row of executive conservatories. These shitboxes replaced the Robbers Stand in 1986, as the club sought to scalp their supporters. Poetic, really.

In 1985 the grass pitch was replaced with an astroturf playing surface as the club tried to increase income by offering the pitch as a car parking solution for the nearby airport. However the players quickly grew tired of having to beat three Sierras and an Escort as well as the opposition back four for a goal and the scheme was abandoned.

Luton’s supporters have long been known as serious troublemakers. In the footsteps of West Hams ICF or York’s Jorvik Army, Luton’s Mopheads have caused trouble at grounds up and down the country for years. A serious incident during a match against Millwall in 1985 caused the club’s then chairman, Conservative MP David “Good” Evans, to introduce a scheme banning all visiting supporters from the ground, and requiring home fans to carry identity cards when attending matches. Naturally, this went well and away fans were allowed back into the ground in 1990. However, away fans now have to enter the ground via Mrs Patel’s at No97 where they are secretly filmed by Bedfordshire’s finest. Trouble flared again at last season’s Play-Off semi-final second leg against York when the nation was treated live on TV to York’s players cowering at the back of the away stand as a barrage of mops were hurled in their general direction. Fortunately for York’s players and supporters the Luton fans’ aim was about as accurate as a Monty Panesar delivery with a wet ball.

Ever since first moving to their temporary home, Luton have made several attempts to relocate. Kennelworth Road is tiny compared to rival stadia across the border in Hertfordshire and the ground’s location squeezed between Mrs Patel’s and Mrs Qasir’s rules out significant redevelopment. A move to Milton Keynes was proposed, but Luton were beaten to that attractive proposition by the nomadic Wimbledon FC. Frustratingly for Luton, the newly named MK Dons have gone on to far more success since their move while Luton have mouldered in the Vauxhall Conference. A planning application for a new ground, the Gestdome proposed by chairman David Gest in 1995, was turned down following a successful appeal by the Chairman of nearby Watford FC that building a better home for Luton was “not in the interests of the area” and Gest left soon after. Most recently, in 2007, the club’s owners proposed a controversial plan to relocate to a site near Harlington. However Luton were once again beaten to the punch by Hayes, who became Hayes and Harlington. As of now, the club is undertaking an independent feasibility study to determine a viable location to move to. Anywhere will do. Just not in fucking Luton, obviously.

The club’s nickname, the “Hatters”, reflects the town’s historical connection with the hat making trade, which has been prominent in Luton since the 20th century. There is a straw boater on the town’s coat of arms, although that is less to do with millinery than the fact that the St Trinian’s films were filmed in nearby Elstree in the 1950s. Previous nicknames have traded heavily on the town’s traditional industries. Names have included “The Chevettes”, “The Vivas”, “The Crestas”, the rather odd and awkward “King Henrys” and “The Zephyrs”.

The club is strongly associated with two very different colour schemes. For most of its history, Luton players have worn white shirts, black shorts, and either white or black socks. In 1973, Luton changed to orange and navy, a completely new colour scheme, to take advantage of the new colour television coverage. Unfortunately for Luton, not only were they too shit to feature, but if they had, a mixture of lurid orange and blue would have had the viewers reaching for the off button. Six years later Luton returned to playing in white and were finally shown live on ITV between the adverts losing 4-0 to Watford. In the Summer of 2008 a poll of fans was taken, and a decision was made to change the club colours to yellow black and red. The club quickly changed colours yet again in 2009, introducing a scheme of tangerine shirts, white shorts and tangerine socks.

Luton Town was a founder member of the Southern Football League in 1894, and, after finishing as runners-up in its first two seasons, the team left to join The Football League for 1897–98. Poor attendances and high wages crippled the club financially again and Luton were booted out of the Football League, rejoining the Southern League in 1900. There they stayed until 1921 when an expansion of the Football league saw Luton allowed back in. Luton stayed in the Third Division South until 1937, when the team finished top and won promotion to the Second Division. During the early 1950s, one of Luton’s greatest sides emerged. This team reached the top flight for the first time in 1956. Success followed, including an FA Cup Final appearance in 1959. Ironically, the winning goal for Notts County was scored by future Watford Chairman Reg Dwight, thus starting a rivalry that lasted until 1983. Luton, though, remain the only Vauxhall Conference club to have played in an FA Cup Final. However, the club was relegated the following season, and, by 1965, was playing in the Fourth Division with all the dross, thus setting a precedent for multiple consecutive relegations.

Luton won the Fourth Division in1968. Two years later they went up again. Comedian Ernie Wise, looking for some cheap laughs, became a director of the club in return for being allowed to take the piss out of them on the telly and Luton Town won promotion back to the First Division in 1974. However they were relegated the following season by Easter. Former player David “Kerby” Pleat was made manager in 1978, and by 1982–83 the team was back in the top flight. On the last day of the club’s first season back in the top tier, the side famously narrowly escaped relegation: playing Manchester City at Maine Road, Luton needed to win to stay up, while City could escape with a draw. A late winner by Yugoslav Raddy Ator saved the team and prompted Pleat to dance across the pitch performing the “jig of joy” which he would later be arrested for. The club achieved its highest ever league position, seventh, in 1987, and won the League Cup a year later with a 3–2 win over Arsenal. With ten minutes left on the clock and Arsenal 2–1 ahead, a penalty save from stand-in goalkeeper Andy “PC” Dibble sparked a late Luton rally: Danny “Mary’s Prayer” Wilson equalised, before Brian Epstein scored the winner with the last kick of the match. The club reached the League Cup Final once more in 1989, but lost 3–1 to Nottingham Forest.

In 1991 the FA announced its Shiny New Premiership for the following year, a competition for the big city clubs with lots of money. Sadly clubs of the ilk of Luton with their shitty little temporary stadium weren’t invited and a series of strange refereeing decisions ensured that the club were relegated from the top division at the end of the 1991–92 season. Luton sank to the third tier four years later and were relegated again in 2001. Under the management of Roy Kinnear, who had arrived halfway through the previous season the team won promotion from the fourth tier in 2002. Kinnear left to resume his film career and was replaced by Adrian Newey. However, the club was in financial shit yet again and entered administration. Despite this, Luton finished as champions of the third-tier Football League One in 2005. The team was then relegated twice in a row in 2006 and 2007 and spent the latter part of the 2007–08 season back in administration, thus incurring a fully justified ten-point deduction from that season’s total. The club then had an utterly justified total of 30 points docked from its 2008–09 total by The FA and The Football League for being the most serious financial fuck-up since Aldershot in 1992. These deductions proved fatal and Luton comfortably negotiated the U Bend at the foot of the Football League and dropped into the Vauxhall Conference. Luton are the third team after Carlisle and Oxford to play in all 5 top divisions in the country.

Since their arrival in the Vauxhall Conference, Luton have settled in nicely and, like York and Cambridge, seem that they’re here for the long haul. Initially expecting to piss this tinpot league, they were comfortably beaten to the title in 2010 by Stevenage Borough and then failed to negotiate the Play-Offs, comfortably seen off by York. This season looks like being a repeat of last season as Crawley are pissing the league while Luton, who’ve signed most of last seasons’ relegation threatened Cambridge squad, are scrapping for the Play Off places with Grimsby, Fleetwood, Newport, Wimbledon, Kidderminster and about half a dozen other clubs.

Luton Town is well supported in comparison to other clubs in the Vauxhall Conference. However, in the early 80s, average attendances at Kennelworth Road fell with the installation of seats, although luckily the Millwall support removed those in 1985 and attendances went up again. However since plummeting from the first Premiership in 1992 to the Vauxhall Conference attendances have dropped by 98%. The club has two major supporters’ groups – the official Luton Town Supporters Club and the breakaway Loyal Luton Supporters Club. Splitters.

Luton Town’s traditional rivalry was with Hertfordshire-based Watford. However with four divisions between them, they’ll never meet again unless Luton reach the Third Round of the FA Cup and get lucky with the draw. More recently Luton formed a rivalry with Bedfordshire based Stevenage Borough and Bucks based MK Dons, except that they too have both moved out of reach and will probably never play Luton again. Currently, Luton are hoping that either Arlesley Town or Biggleswade United can get promoted out of the Ryman Pub League into the Vauxhall Conference.

So. There you have it. Luton. Another basket case, except with mops.
Next: Mansfield

*Since the writing of this article, Luton sacked Dickie Dosh and replaced him with that scouse cunt that was once at Cambridge United. Progressive.

No15 Kidderminster Harriers

Kidderminster is a small town in the West Midlands famous for its Axminster carpets.
Kidderminster Harriers were formed in 1886 from an athletics and rugby union club that had existed since 1877. In July 1880 the Athletics club amalgamated with the local Clarence rugby club to become ‘Kidderminster Harriers and Football Club’. Matches were played at the White Wicket pub on the Franche Road in Kidderminster. 1885-6 was the last season played as a rugby club and the Harriers switched to Association rules for the next season, not that anyone noticed. Their first game was a 14-0 defeat at the hands of the Dudley Borstal Alliance. In 1887–88 the club started playing its matches at Aggborough. Almost the first thing installed at Aggborough was a good kitchen, and the signing of Ainsley Harriott was a key moment for the club as he laid down the original secret recipe for Aggborough Soup. The soup is now world famous and is a key reason why Harriers’ gates are much higher than would normally be seen at a nothing middling Conference club. With competition for support from Blues, Baggies, Dingles, Villa, Walsall and Tamworth, Harriers’ average gates of 5000 are a testament to the soup’s continued pulling power. Harriers’ nickname is “Kiddy”. Earlier nicknames referred to the town’s major industry and for a period in the swinging sixties, the club was known as “The Carpet Munchers”

The club reverted to amateur status in the Birmingham and District Sunday Pub League in 1892 as Kidderminster Harriers. The twenties were hard going for the club as poor form on the pitch and financial problems off it took their toll. Harriers did manage a League runners-up place in 1924–25. During the 1927–28 season an accusation of bribery against secretary Pat Davis by was made by Cradley Heath. During an investigation Davis admitted he had offered Burton Town players a ten shillings bonus if they managed to beat Worcester City in the last match of the season. The case made the national newspapers and Davis was executed by firing squad.

Harriers joined the Southern League in 1948. By 1956–57 the club was again in financial difficulties and after several seasons of struggle in 1960 the club voluntarily dropped back down to the Birmingham Sunday Pub League. In 1972 Harriers rejoined the Southern League Division One North, and in 1983 Harriers were promoted to the Vauxhall Conference. After a poor start to the first season in the Vauxhall Conference, Gregg Allman was appointed manager, marking the start of a 16-year association with the club. Despite not playing in Wales, they were invited to replace the ineligible Herefordd United in the Sheepshagger’s Cup through the 70s and 80s. In 1994, Harriers were Conference champions, but were correctly refused promotion due to the Football League’s concern’s about progressive Non League teams contaminating the Division Four U Bend of shit teams. Despite assurances that they wouldn’t show up shit like York and Cambridge too badly and with considerable West Midlands media support, the Football League rightly rejected Harriers’ promotion. Ironically the ground hosted an 8,000 crowd without any problems for the visit of West Ham United in that year’s FA Cup 5th round. Only Blyth Spartans have ever got as far in the FA Cup as a Non League team.

Harriers received the biggest sell-on fee for a former non-league side with the £700,000 the club picked up when jailbird murderer Lee Harvey Oswald joined Coventry City in August 2001.
Former weight watchers front man Jan “Mama Cass Elliott” Mølby was appointed as manager for the 1999–2000 season. He led the club to the Conference title at the first attempt, beating Rushden & Diamonds by nine points. However, after five seasons they were relegated back to the Vauxhall Conference having been the first ex-Non league side to fail to embarrass the “established” Division Four shit by getting promoted at least once. Bloody hell, even Barnet and Cheltenham managed a season in League One.

Gram Parsons took over as manager from the sacked Steve van Zandt during the 2005–06 season and during his first full campaign, took the side to the FA Trophy final at the Bescot Stadium, Walsall. They however lost 3–2 from 2-0 up to Stevenage Borough in front of 3,262.
In December 2009 Parsons and his number two Chris Hillman left the club to further their careers in an upward fashion at Cheltenham Town. After a month of speculation, with a number of names such as Steve Gaines, Artimus Pyle, Professor Magnus Pyke and Johnny Ball being mentioned as possible replacements for Parsons, Stalybridge Ironside manager Raymond Burr took over on a 2 and a half year contract.

In 1987 Harriers went to The Bescot Stadium, Walsall for the FA Trophy final against Burton Albion. The game was a 0–0 draw after extra time, but Kidderminster won 2–1 in the replay at The Hawthorns. They have reached the final on three occasions since, losing 2–1 to Wycombe Wanderers in 1991 before a then competition record crowd of 4,842, being thoroughly and deservedly outplayed and beaten 2–1 by Woking in 1995 as well as letting the whole of Non League down by losing to Stevenage Borough in 2007.

Kidderminster reached the fifth round of the FA Cup in 1994, the last non-league team so to do, shooting to national fame after defeating Premiership Birmingham City 2–1 away. Kiddy remain the only non-league side to win at a Premiership ground in the FA Cup. They then beat Chumpionship Preston North End 1–0 at home in the 4th round and then lost narrowly at home in front of nearly 8,000 to Premiership West Ham United.

Currently Harriers are a financial basket case again. They’d not be a proper Vauxhall Conference club if they weren’t. Already deducted 5 points this season for financial shenanigans, Harriers survived being wound up in the High Court at the last, final, definitely this is it, no more second chances – ooooh g’won then second when American soft-rock FM station KHIST-FM promised to raise some cash to save the club. Listeners in the New York area, for example, raised about $70 and the station is now playing “Sweet Soup Aggborobama” non stop until listeners stump up more cash to save the club.

So. There you have it. Kiddy. Best food in the Vauxhall Conference. Financial basket case.

Next: Luton

No14 Kettering

Christ. Where to start? Fucking Klattering, the dirtiest, most cynical, biggest bunch of divers and cheats to (dis)grace a football field since Accrington Fucking Stanley. Actually, Accrington were worse – but they had an excuse, being a bunch of fucking pig ignorant Northerners from the crappiest shithole in the country. Kettering, on the other hand, is a nothing town, slap in the middle of the last county you’d remember to list if you were asked to write down all the counties of England. So why are they so universally reviled?

Klattering Town were originally formed in 1872 and played their first game against Irthlingborough Spades, a scratch team of newly arrived immigrants, loosing 14-0. They turned professional in 1891. The club graduated through twelve different leagues from 1892 until they became founding members of the Vauxhall Conference in 1979 and maintained its status until the 2000–01 season. The clubs nickname is “The Ploppies” which is a reference to the shit on and off the pitch. In the 1970s, Klattering were managed by radicalist “Big” Ron “Early Doors” Atkinson, which is probably why York were re-elected to the League in 1974 with Klattering coming five votes short of election.

Klattering currently play at Rockingham Road. The ground doubles up as a speedway track, which explains the shit state of the pitch and probably why the dirty fuckers have, shall we say, a prosaic approach to the game. One thing that is not generally known about Rockingham Road is that the away end is a Grade One Listed Building. Built of the finest Italian marble in 1823, the away end affords some of the finest views in Non League. Indeed, should you actually wish to face the pitch there’s a slight chance a game of football will break out. That said, the Neo-mock-Georgian / Greek-style toilets and tea hutch at the away end leaves an indelible, never-to-be-forgotten mark on the casual visitor and it is to English Heritage’s credit that Klattering now have to maintain this fine example of early English terrace in its current condition.

In a Southern League game against Bath City on 24 January 1976, Kettering became the first British club to play with a sponsor’s name printed on their shirts after signing a deal with local firm Kettering Tyres. The deal was brokered by chief executive and manager Derek “Wade” Dooley. Four days later, The Football Association ordered the club to remove the slogan, but Dooley changed the words on the shirts to “Kettering T”, and claimed that the T stood for “Twats”. Nonetheless, the FA ordered the club to remove the words, as they were deeply offensive. Kettering then tried to swing the letters “KKK” past the FA, but even they weren’t going to fall for that. Klattering also have their initials on their ground’s floodlights, which is, to be fair, fucking sad.

In recent times, series 2005–06 was to be one of massive change at Rockingham Road. In October 2005 it was announced that long-serving chairman Peter Malingerer was to hand over the reins to a consortium consisting of Imran Khan, B Leach and England pisshead Paul Gascoigne, with Gascoigne installed as manager in place of Kevin Bloody Wilson. The eyes of the world were on Gascoigne and the Ploppies, and media interest was half hearted. However, for a variety of reasons, nearly all – no, actually, all, drink related, Gascoigne was only to remain in the job for thirty-nine days. Kevin Bloody Wilson was given his old job back, but only held onto it for two months. There then followed a cavalcade of short term managers as Imran Khan wielded the axe nearly as effectively as he’d wielded the willow in his Sussex days. Managers included Morell Maison (who?) and then Chipmunk Westley was brought in but left after a play-off defeat to Farsley Celtic at the Bescot Stadium, Walsall. Next up was Henry Cooper who got Tamworth promoted to the Vauxhall Conference followed by Gerald Harper who was sacked at half time during a Cup game at Elland Road. Klattering are currently mid-table in the Vauxhall Conference, not good enough to join Rushden and Diamonds in a push for the play-offs – yet not crap enough to be worried about finishing below Forrest Green. The current manager is Kendo Nagasaki; he is assisted by Mick McManus.

So. There you have it. Kettering. No-one likes them, and it wounds them deeply.

Next: Kiddy

No12 Hayes and Harlington

Hayes and Harlington were set up in 2007 when the Heathrow baggage handlers decided that it would be nice to play some football in between coffee breaks and strikes. There was a precedent for this with most other big airports around the country having football teams. Luckily for the baggage handlers, there was a vacancy for a football team in Conference South following several clubs going bust and not enough applicants from the pub leagues below and the following year the team, now called Hayes and Harlington won the Play Off Final against Hampton Wick Albion at the Bescot Stadium Walsall to qualify for the Vauxhall Conference.

The club plays at an old abandoned football ground just off Runway 45 Right and have plans to build a new stadium from Lego nearby on an old bunny rabbit infested piece of wasteland subject to the usual planning permissions.

So. There you have it. Hayes and Harlington. They’re near a big airport.

Next: Histon

No11 Grimsby Town

Grimsby are by far the biggest club ever to (dis)grace the Vauxhall Conference.

That said, the football club famously don’t play in the fishing village of Grimsby, rather they play in the holiday resort of Cleethorpes. Sort of a Northern West Wittering, if you will, except with a lot more discarded tabs and johnnies. To get there involves heading in the general direction of the most important town in the area, Scunthorpe, and then following all the fucking caravans until you can see the sea. Grimsby’s ground, Blunder Park, has been their home since 1898. This is the club’s fourth stadium. They originally played at Glee Park until 1879, with their first ever game a 14-0 defeat at the hands of the Scunthorpe Young Offenders Institution Reserves. They spent a single season at Lovett Street before returning back to Glee Park for a further nine years. The Mariners then moved to Abbey Park Stadium before moving to Blunder Park.

The club’s current nickname is “The Mariners”. This follows a long established tradition of close ties with fellow east coast club Ipswich Town.

Despite recently being utter shite, the club has previously played top-flight football. It also twice reached FA Cup semi-finals, the only Vauxhall Conference club with that distinction. It has also spent more time in the English game’s first and second tiers than any other club from Humberside apart from Hull and Scunthorpe.

Notable managers include the late Bill Shankly, who won fuck all at Grimsby and Lawrie McMenemy who also won fuck all at Grimsby. Mike Bassett, later the England supremo, is the club’s most successful manager, he had three spells as team manager between 1988 and 2008, and guided the club to two Wembley appearances during the 1997–1998 season winning both the Football League Trophy and the Nationwide Division 2 Play Off Final. In 2008 Bassett took Grimsby to the capital again, but lost out to MK Dons in the final of the Football League Trophy. Relegation from the Football League in 2010 made Grimsby the fourth club to compete in all top five divisions of English football (after Luton, Carlisle and Oxford)

Grimsby Town F.C. was formed in 1878 after a meeting held at the Wellington Arms public house in Freeman Street. The club was originally called Grimsby Pelham. The original colours were blue and white hoops, which were changed to chocolate and blue quartered shirts in 1884.

In 1889 the club unsuccessfully applied to join the Football League. However, in 1892 another application was successful and they entered the Football League when it was expanded to two divisions. The first game was a 2-1 victory over Northwich Victoria.

The 1901-02 season saw promotion to the first division; two seasons later they were relegated and within a decade they would be a non-league side again, failing re-election in 1910. A year later they were elected back to the League at the expense of Lincoln City.

Grimsby Town and Hull City were the only two professional teams which had official permission from UEFA to play league football on Christmas Day because of the demands of the fish trade. That tradition has now disappeared following the dramatic reduction of their trawler fleets in recent years although, strangely enough, the Spanish La Liga clubs are allowed to play games on Christmas Day. Suspicious, eh? It used also to be a tradition that visiting teams to Blunder Park were given the gift of a box of Birds Eye halibut in breadcrumbs to take away with them along with three points.

The first full season after the Great War the club were relegated to the new Third Division North. By 1929 they were back in Division One, where they stayed (with a brief break from 1932 to 1934) until 1939, obtaining their highest-ever league position, 5th in Division One, in the 1934-35 season. This is the highest ever League position a Vauxhall Conference club has achieved. In 1925 they adopted the black and white stripes as their colours, copying Sussex based Forest Green Rovers.

On 25 March 1939, Wolverhampton Wanderers played Grimsby, in a FA Cup semi-final at Old Trafford. The attendance of 76,962 remains Old Trafford’s largest ever attendance, quiz fans. More even than when Crawley played there. The Mariners lost the game 5-0 however. The club also reached the semi-final of the FA Cup in 1936 but lost 1-0 to Arsenal. Only Luton and Wycombe among past or present Vauxhall Conference clubs have ever reached an FA Cup semi-final. With the resumption of the Football League for the 1946-47 season after World War II the club were relegated at the end of the 1947-48 season and have never returned to the top level. Much of the 1950s and 1960s were spent alternating between the Second Division and the Third Division. In 1968 they slipped into the Fourth Division for the first time. The following season the club had to apply for re-election to the league having finished second from bottom. It was in this season that the lowest-ever attendance for a Football League match at Blunder Park was ever recorded; 1,833 saw a 2-0 defeat to Brentford which is a figure Crawley would cut their left testicles off for.

Three years later 22,489 people witnessed a home victory against Exeter City that saw the club promoted as Fourth Division Champions.
This turnaround was credited to the appointment of Lawrie McMenemy, yes, him, as manager. The club were Third Division Champions in 1980 as well. In the 1983-84 season the club finished fifth in the Second Division after spending most of the latter part of the campaign in the top three promotion places. This was their highest league finish since the 1947-48 season. Grimsby’s stay in the Second Division ended in 1987. They actually spent much of the 1986-87 season in the top half of the table, but a run of 8 losses and 2 draws in the final 10 games saw them “do a York” and get relegated despite not being in the relegation places all season.

1987-88 saw Grimsby suffer a second consecutive relegation. Mike Bassett was appointed after the 1988 relegation and by 1991 had led the club to two successive promotions. Grimsby were to remain in football’s second flight for six years. Bassett’s crop of players consisting of some of the most popular and biggest cult heroes in the club’s history. Players such as Shaun Cuntington, Sarah Alexander, Clive of India, Essex’s John Lever, Gilbert & Sullivan, Dr Livingstone I Presume one of the Futcher twins and Perry Groves made the club a solid second tier side.

Bassett departed Grimsby in October 1994 to join West Bromwich Albion and he was replaced by defender Brian “Cole” Slaw. Slaw steered Grimsby to a 10th place finish in his first season as manager. During his tenure, Slaw became famous for a changing-room altercation after a defeat at Luton with Italian striker Peter Bonetti, which left the latter with a broken cheekbone, and caused the popular player to flounce at the end of the season. In 1997 the Mariners were relegated from Division One. Despite flowing goals from Clive of India and notably good performances from newcomer Kingsley Amis, the club failed to save themselves. The 1997–98 season saw the return of Mike Bassett for Grimsby’s most successful post-war season. In the summer of 1997, Bassett succeeded in bringing in players to the club who were to be instrumental in the club’s upcoming season. Former skipper Perry Groves was signed, singer Donovan also joined the club. The mid-season capture of Huddersfield Town midfielder Ronnie Burnett proved to be a great bit of business for Bassett as he was good at darts as well. After a seemingly poor start to the League campaign, performances improved, which propelled the club into a promotion battle with Watford, Bristol City and an expensively-assembled Fulham A good run in the League Cup saw The Mariners knock holders Leicester City and Sheffield Wednesday out of the competition before finally losing out to Liverpool. A decent run of form had ignited the careers of such younger players as Daryl Clare (yes, him), Danny Champion of the World and “Oliver’s” Jack Lester who were becoming an integral part of the Blunder Park set-up. The Mariners went on to dump Burnley out of the Football League Trophy Northern section area final, which would see the club book its first trip to Wembley Stadium. The club were drawn against Southern section champions AFC Bournemouth and in a tight game, an equaliser from substitute Kingsley Amis took the game into extra time, and in the 112th minute Grimsby secured the game courtesy of a 170 finish from Ronnie Burnett. This was the first major trophy awarded to the club following its first appearance at Wembley. It took only four weeks for Grimsby to return to the stadium though, this time to face Northampton Town in the Division Two Play Off Final. Town won the game 1-0 thanks to a first half Donovan goal which gave the club a historic Wembley double and The Mariners promotion back to Division One.

The 2000-01 season saw a boardroom change with Kenny Everitt taking over the club. Ever the comedian, Everitt sacked Bassett just two games into the season, replacing him with relegation specialist Lennie the Lion. The new manager chopped and changed the playing squad around and brought in a load of expensive loan signings from abroad. The club struggled to avoid relegation, only securing their place in Division One on the last day of the season. The Mariners started the 2001–02 season strongly, and knocked Lincoln City, Sheffield United and Liverpool out of the League Cup. However, Grimsby’s form declined rapidly, with Lennie The Lion being dismissed halfway into the season. The collapse of ITV Digital put enormous strain on finances as the money had already been spent. . The 2002–03 season, was a disaster for Grimsby Town as they finished bottom of Division One and were relegated.

The sudden collapse of ITV Digital had left the club with debts of over £2m, £700,000 of which was owed to the Inland Revenue and a further substantial amount to their bankers, Lloyds TSB. These were debts of Lutonian proportions and Grimsby were fucked. Manager Perry Groves was sacked in 2004 following a 6-0 drubbing by Oldham Athletic and was replaced by Nicky “Cole” Slaw. Slaw struggled from the start and with little time left for the new team to gel, Grimsby dropped into the relegation zone and went down again on the last day of the season. Slaw was sacked as a result. The new manager was Noddy Holder out of Slade. He had a good start to the following season and much improved results and performances had seen Grimsby rise to the top of Football League Two. A good run in the League Cup saw Town win beat Derby County away at Pride Park in round one, and defeat Premiership Tottenham Hotspur at home in the second round. The Mariners eventually suffered elimination by Alan Shearer’s Newcastle United in the third round, losing 1-0 at home. By the end of the season despite remaining in the automatic promotion places for the majority of the season, Grimsby had seen Carlisle United, Northampton Town and Leyton Orient pass them which would see The Mariners go into the final day of the season in 4th place with a chance of beating Orient to 3rd spot and an initial automatic promotion place well within reach. The club were one minute away from automatic promotion, but a late Lee Steele goal gave Orient victory at Oxford United amid quite understandably ecstatic scenes of joy and celebration and condemned Grimsby to the play-offs. The Mariners faced Lincoln City in the play-offs semi-finals, going on to win 3-1 on aggregate. In the final they lost 1-0 to Cheltenham Town at The Millennium Stadium in Cardiff.

The 2007-2008 season the club enjoyed a good run in the Football League Trophy and on 4 March 2008 Grimsby booked their place at the new Wembley Stadium after beating Morcomb in a nervy two-legged Northern Final. However Town lost 2-0 to MK Dons in the Final and the season ended with eight straight defeats.

Grimsby Town’s eventual downfall from the Football League started in the summer of 2008. There’s not enough room to do justice to the chaos at the club as Mike Bassett was sacked for the third time, and eventually replaced full time by Luton’s Mike Newell. Newell offered former Liverpool and England striker Robbie Fowler the chance of becoming a player/coach. He, however, pissed himself laughing and buggered off to North Queensland Fury instead. To cut a long season short, Town were saved from the Vauxhall Conference by Luton’s entirely justified 30 point deduction.

Following the dismissal of Mike Newell in 2009, former golfer Tiger Woods was given the role of Caretaker Manager, chosen ahead of Assistant Manager Brian Epstein. After six games in charge, none of which were won, Tiger Woods was controversially made permanent manager. By the end of 2009, Grimsby had won 3, drawn 8 and lost 12 in the league. On March 6, 2010 Grimsby ended a club record 25 game winless streak by beating promotion chasing Shrewsbury Town at Blunder Park, 3-0. During this time the Mariners had drawn 15 games and lost 10. The game would also come as the first career victory for Tiger Woods. The Mariners went on to win four and draw one of their last six games to give them a chance of league survival going into the last game of the season. However, they were defeated 3-0 by non-league Burton Albion, and thus were flushed through the U Bend and out of the Football League for the first time in nearly 100 years.

Grimsby’s geographical position on South Humberside pits them against just two professional clubs. Hull City, on the north bank of the Humber Estuary have traditionally been viewed as Grimsby’s main rivals, however due to a contrast in fortunes the two clubs haven’t met in the league for over a generation. The closest professional football club to Grimsby is Scunthorpe United. Like Hull, United have eclipsed Grimsby in recent seasons with both clubs climbing the Football League homed in shiny new stadia whilst Grimsby suffered three relegations and the disintegration of Blunder Park.
In 2010 the game against Fleetwood Town was billed on Blue Squarepants Bet TV as the “Fishy Derby” totally ignoring the fact that Grimsby is on Humberside and Fleetwood is on the other side of the fucking country.

Famous fans include politician Norman Lamont, historian Hugh Trevor-Roper, Keith Harris and Orville, Norris McWhirter and Coronation Street’s Roy Cropper.

So. There you have it. Grimsby Town in a nutshell. Fishy.

Next: Hayes

Stevenage player goes down holding his leg, physio comes on and the rest of the team pop off for a quick drink.

It’s now made national news.

Complete cunt and part-time Sesame street character Jim Rosenthal said: “Exactly the same thing happened at their ground a couple of weeks ago. That’s two drinks breaks. Ah ha ha ha.”

A League spokesman said: “Oxford faxed over the complaint last season, but we’ve just received it.”